Welcome Back, My Friends, To The (Side)show That Never Ends

Summer is here, which means - of course - that it’s time to start thinking about the upcoming NFL season, in which the Indianapolis Colts will try to defend their first-ever World Championship Of All Football. (That’s going to be a tough job, for a number of reasons, but we’ll get to that in a future, much longer, blog post.)

In preparation for the upcoming season, I have been spending a bit more time reading the NFL page on ESPN’s website, and I came across a story today that made me think of that old C+C Music Factory song - “Things That Make You Go Hmmm.”

Here is a story about Chicago Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson, real name Terry Johnson.

(Brief aside: Hulk Hogan’s real first name is also Terry. Actually, his real real name is Terrence, but if he were going to answer to anything other than Hulk Hogan, it would likely be Terry.)

Mr. Johnson was recently pulled over for speeding and had his blood drawn to see if the reason he was speeding was because he was drunk. He is currently suspended for the first half of the upcoming NFL season for violating the new personal conduct policy. The story goes on to mention a raid of Johnson’s home last December, and then goes on to state that two days after that raid, Johnson’s bodyguard was shot and killed after a fight at a nightclub.

Anything strike you as odd about that? Hint: it’s not the legal stuff. NFL players running afoul of the law is nothing new - in fact, it happens in Cincinnati more often than the Bengals win games!

No, the odd part is that a cat called Tank would have a bodyguard. Anybody click on the link to his name, which takes you to the ESPN player card for this guy? (Trick question. I know none of you did. Scott is the only one who would have, and he didn't have to because he knew it already.) If you had, you would have learned that this fellow, Tank Johnson, clocks in at 6'3" and 300 pounds.

And he needs a bodyguard? Are you fucking kidding me? If I was 6’3” and 300, I would not need a bodyguard. I would BE a fucking bodyguard. What size person do you get for a bodyguard when you're 6'3" and 300 pounds? And why do you even need a bodyguard? (Actually, the answer to that is because you're running around with people you shouldn't be running around with and doing things you shouldn't be doing. Remember that raid on Tank's house? Guess what they found - guns. There's a surprise.)

Not convinced that this is a ridiculous country that has been ruined by conservative Republicans? Someone who goes 6"3" and 300 needs a bodyguard. Oy vay. Call me when a Democrat has been elected President and we the people can go back to being taken seriously again.

Next: Why the Colts will not repeat as World Champions Of All Football, and why Jason and Justin will really, really like the upcoming NFL season.

Now playing on iTunes:
"Nothing As It Seems," by Pearl Jam (from the Benaroya Hall live set - and if you haven't picked up this record and played it to death yet, then, well...I can't help you)