I have to know. I get this kind of garbage in my inbox from time to time, and my knee-jerk reaction is to take pity on people who find these things amusing - but then I wonder, who are these people? Do they really find this stuff funny, or do they just sort of pass along these banal e-mails because it makes them feel like better fans? I have no answers to any of these questions, but I offer up the following, which I got in my inbox just a moment ago, for your consideration:
"Anthrax scare in Chicago
CHICAGO (AP) -- Chicago Bears football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after Rex Grossman reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Lovie Smith immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to Rex and the team was the goal line. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again..."
Am I just missing it? Is that actually funny? I don't even like the Bears, and I could not manage to find any humor in it. Maybe it's because I know that the Bears had one of the best offenses in football - they were second in points, behind San Diego but tied with...guess who...yeah, that would be the Colts; tied with three other teams for eighth in passing touchdowns; and tied with two other teams for eleventh in rushing touchdowns; and they had more special teams touchdowns than any other team in the league.
I'm all for trashing the Bears, I really am - but don't bring me dumb shit like this. Bring me the 1.3 and 0.0 quarterback ratings that Rex the Wonderdog achieved this season. Bring me his 20 picks against 23 touchdowns - which is actually better than the ratios offered up by Ben Roethlisberger and Brett Favre...you know, guys who have won Super Bowls. Bring me the fact that they had the easiest schedule in the league and that the toughest team they played all year was New England, and that the Patriots beat them.
Oh, and by the way - that white powdery stuff that makes up the goal line? It makes up all the yard markings on the WHOLE FUCKING FIELD! I can see it in my head - a field full of Chicago Bears, all jumping nimbly over every yard marker, Turk Wendell style, over the hash marks and numerals denoting the yard lines - all in some bizarre kind of dance to avoid that white powdery stuff.
Okay. I have to go get some lunch and go to work now.
No comments:
Post a Comment